The Middle Path: On Contradiction, Nuance, and Living Tantra

I've been struggling to write lately. Not because I don't know what to say, but because I was having so many emotions that I couldn't concentrate.

I've always been taught that to write, you need to have a clear thesis. A solid argument with a sequential flow, something that makes a point.

But as I was writing a blog on the performance of love, I found my point rambling. Why? I was struggling with my own emotions about what to say. It's as if this topic had torn me wide open. Like two parts of myself battling to be right.

This I am no stranger to. Like so much of my life, I've always had the angel and devil perched on my shoulders. Maybe it's because I grew up in the church, or maybe it's because I was socialized as a girl, or maybe it's just the internal conflict the human condition endures. But for me, there have always been two "rights." The right that I should say out loud, and the right that I've kept quietly to myself. The right that is palatable and the right that is uncomfortable.

But the more difficult thing for me to grasp is that I know they are both right. Neither is wrong. They are just different.

I've been called many things in my life.

A hypocrite, a conundrum, and my personal favorite "a walking contradiction." I have my ex to thank for that last one. I don't think this is because I say one thing and do another, but because I say both things and do both things.

Let me give you an example. I was once in a deeply committed, devoted relationship while working at a strip club. To most people, this didn't compute. How could I be both? The devoted girlfriend is supposed to be modest, reserved, saving herself only for her partner. The stripper is supposed to be promiscuous, damaged, incapable of real intimacy. Pick a lane, right?

But I was both. Completely. I'd dance for strangers on a Saturday night, then come home and curl up with my partner, fully present, fully in love. To me, there was no contradiction. My body moving on stage had nothing to do with where my heart lived. My sexuality wasn't a finite resource I was depleting. I could be sacred and profane in the same breath, the same body, the same weekend.

When it comes to friendships, I'm not the friend that will end a friendship because you went back to the guy you said you'd never talk to again. I won't cut you off because you stay in the job you hate but won't shut up about. I won't berate you because you keep doing that bad habit you keep saying you want to change. I know that you're repeating your shitty cycle because you have something left to learn. Besides, nothing I say is going to stop you from doing what you want to do.

I'll tell you my opinion, I'm not going to lie to you. But convince you of my point of view? No way. You’ve got self discovery to do. Even if I wouldn’t choose it for myself.

This doesn’t mean I don't stand up for my values. This doesn't mean I turn a blind eye to harm. This doesn't mean people, businesses, and systems don't get held accountable. Honoring complexity isn't about tolerating everything, it's about making space for different ways of being that don't hurt anyone.

What I believe is that different situations call for different things.

There are exceptions to every rule.

Do I have a set of rules that I live by? Certainly, but they are loose and provide room for me to be human. Because if there is anything I've learned in my life, it is that I am just that. I am imperfect, I am messy, and some days my best looks better than others.

This makes writing opinion pieces hard, because it seems like I have two opinions. But really, I have one - make more space for the gray.

And this ultimately is the philosophy of Untamed Altar. That you are both reverent and wild, sacred and profane. That you are rebellious and domesticated, you are a devoted lover and a dirty slut, you are iconic and a nobody, you are an oracle and just a shit head.

This is living tantra.

Unifying the opposing forces, the dark and the light. The parts we love and the parts we hate. And finding a middle path between the two. Which often looks like just making space for both, without shame or guilt. It looks like having fewer "rules" and having more experiences. This looks like experimenting and finding out what is right for you. And being okay that what feels good today might feel bad tomorrow. This I call the middle path.

Often referred to as Pink Tantra, the middle path blends spiritual purity with the taboo to honor every aspect of life. Sure, spending time alone in meditation and contemplation is beautiful and powerful, but then what? You do that forever?

The work you do within your wellness is only as potent as the work you do in the world. And the world is messy as fuck. It throws you for a loop, it's full of surprises. The world is complicated and, somehow, easefully simple. And the simplicity comes from the acceptance of the gray.

I've spent so much of my life feeling bad for not having clearer stances on things. Am I just Switzerland? Do I even have a fucking personality or stand for anything? But I do have opinions, I do have strong stances. And I make room for people to have theirs.

Because here's the thing: my stance IS the middle path.

My opinion IS that there's room for contradiction. That's not wishy-washy, that's not fence-sitting. That's a deliberate choice to honor complexity over convenience.

And let's be clear: people think picking a side is the hard part. They think it's inconvenient to live in black and white. To quit the job, cut off that family member, draw those strong boundaries. I’m not saying it isn’t. Setting strong boundaries is often called for and I sure as hell know they aren’t easy.

But here's what nobody says: it's far more inconvenient to hold space for nuance.

Because when you see both sides, you have to admit you might be wrong. You might actually have compassion for someone you'd prefer to hate. You might have to sit with the discomfort of not having a clear villain or a clean answer. You can't perform moral superiority when you acknowledge your own contradictions.

The middle path isn't the easy way out, it's the harder work. It requires more of you, not less.

The world wants you to pick a side. To plant your flag and defend your territory. To be consistent, predictable, easily categorized. But that's not how humans actually work. That's not how life actually unfolds.

So yes, I'm a walking contradiction. I contain multitudes. I hold opposing truths in the same hand and refuse to choose between them because both are real, both are valid, both deserve space. And maybe that makes me hard to pin down. Maybe that makes my writing messier, my arguments less clean. But it also makes me whole. It makes me honest. It makes me free.

This is Untamed Altar. This is the middle path. This is choosing both the reverent and the wild, and refusing to apologize for it. So I'll keep writing, even when my thesis wanders. I'll keep holding space for the gray, even when people want black and white. Because the contradiction isn't the problem, it's the whole point. And if you're still here, still reading, still nodding along to this rambling mess of a blog? Then maybe you're walking the middle path too.

Maybe you've felt like a fraud because you can't stay in one lane. Maybe you've been told you're too much and not enough at the same time. Maybe you're tired of apologizing for containing multitudes. If that's you, then welcome home.

Untamed Altar is where you honor your totality while still searching for what lights you up. It's a place where you can heal and have permission to fuck up. Where you're learning to love your altar while staying untamed.

Because your wildness isn't the problem. Your shame around it is. So bring all of it. The reverent and the profane. The angel and the devil. The parts that fit neatly in boxes and the parts that refuse to be contained. You belong here.

Now, get out there and confuse people.